Monday, September 19, 2011

New Position: Blue Jean Distresser

Officially announcing availability as a Blue Jean Distresser for the fashion market. Now Hollywood starlights can wear and feel the truly and honestly distressed jean from hard, backbreaking work. No more fake wear from machine scrubbing or acid washing. The Real Wear market is open!

I’ll even offer a line of Double Distressed starting with a pair from the thrift store. That's twice the honest wear!

They’ll be green too! These jeans will be engaged only in healthy work. Hike mountains, garden, bike, build… honest actions to establish the true and telling signs of honest work.

Special orders can be taken too. Say you want that horseback look. I’ll ride horses. Or, perhaps you’re more of a construction type, I’ll remodel my home and accent with a few paint splatters from the roller.

Be assured, the extra $200 - $900 you will be paying for that distressed look will be genuine wear. Take these above for example. They’ve held up over ten years and now I only use them as “work” clothes. I’ve planted countless gardens, hiked mountains, painted rooms, refinished furniture and many other life activities in this pair.

See! Here’s me and Petite Poe at 12,000’ on Mount Emmons in this very pair in 2004. Yup, these jeans have truly made the circuit.

Such masterpieces take about ten years to create so order now! I’m certain there are plenty of prospective Blue Jean Distressers just waiting to be called to action. Please list your name in the comments and we’ll start our list of professional Blue Jean Distressers.

Call me crazy but, I think the machine market is quite passé.

Leave your comment to become a professional Blue Jean Distresser. Only honest workers apply. Women who work family farms, I beleive you will now have a second job.

We shall be the John Henry of Blue Jean Distressers! Except we shall not die in the end! Our hard efforts will put our children through college. Just in ways we hadn't quite imagined.


weavingabetterworld said...

I'm already a talented hobby jeans distresser. I'd love to take my talents pro. Sign me up!

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty good at baggin' out the butt and the knees sitting around too much. Is that a preferred look? It's especially nasty with the lycra blends in denim that are supposed to make them fit better. I just find myself yanking them up.
I think I should probably pass on this job and wear more skirts.

Darth Mama said...

I would like to offer the services of my children, for those who like the Jackson Pollack stain effect on their clothing. It's become my signature style, with my co-workers wondering exactly what the stain-of-the-day will be each day. (Today's special: strawberries!)

KDbeads said...

Sign me up for the farm use distresser. Many come with Blue Kote stains perfect for that screaming touch of unexpected purple. I offer a line of RTV sealant and silicone smear jeans from the garage. Also have a line of rust and paint stained jeans. All in larger sizes for you less than 'perfect' gals out there. Order now and I'll include holey tees from honest to goodness overuse and barbed wire fence work. I can even offer men's jeans where the back of the legs have been worn off to a shorter length for those who can't hem their jeans!


Shopping Golightly said...

Can't you just hear Paris Hilton now, "And these! These have REAL RTV sealant, whatever THAT is, on them!"

Prairiecactus said... youngest daughter just bought a pair of jeans that look much like the thrift store! She loves those jeans and is so in style...times sure have changed!

Mr. Golightly said...

I read everything my better half (Shopping Golightly) writes, and when I can, most of the comments. I was on the road when this one was published. Seldom do I comment.

I laughed out loud at this article, wondering how I might best leave my legacy to the needy jeansketeers without the time, means or interest to properly roll their own.

Alas, like many of my brethren, I'm compelled - as if a salmon en route to spawn - to wear down my jeans until only one strand of dungaree molecules is left, or die in the attempt.

Shopping Golightly said...

May Mr. Golightly's words serve as testimony as to why women must make some things "disappear" from mens lives. Blue jean dust.

I guess this is one reason we rarely see mens shoes in decent condition in thrift stores.

RETRO REVA said...


Anonymous said...

I ran across some jeans in a vintage store like 10 yrs ago, they were the levis that make any butt look great, even mine cause I don't have a butt...anyways, these were acid washed and someone painted rappers like tupac and other phrases or qotes like go big or go was in soft pastel colors with a couple areas more vivid. One tear above a knee and maybe one on the back...the acid washed colors and soft pait was BEAUTIFUL. Due to a house fire they are gone..have trid to duplicate what I remember, but doesn't look same. The jeans or foundation played a big part. Then the writings resembling street art. I would love to find another pair. The levis had a zipper also so im guessing they were menns. Any ideas?